It all started when Dick’s parents, Florence and Al, told little Dick that there was going to be a baby soon, and he would be Dick’s new best friend. This was a complete lie. Little Artie Blunk was an asshole from the moment he was born. He cried all day long, and he was an ugly baby. Whenever Dick tried to make Artie smile, the baby screamed even harder.
As they grew up, Artie threw his older brother under the bus on a regular basis: for instance, the Blunks never learned that it was actually Artie who left the faucet running in the bathtub and flooded the kitchen below. Dick denied his involvement, but Artie had such an angelic look—and Dick didn’t. Then there was the time that Dick barely nudged Artie, but he fell down and banged his forehead on the coffee table and the goose egg took weeks to completely disappear. Dick’s punishment was missing Daniel Fromisch’s birthday party, where the party favors were squirt guns and there was an actual pony. Dick cried himself to sleep for a week. Artie pinched him when Florence wasn’t looking.
Then, in high school, Dick, who was a chemistry whiz, let Janie Silvers look off his midterm test because she promised to go to the movies with him if she passed the test. But when Mr. Floren gave them their papers back and Janie got a 90%, she didn’t even smile at Dick. And when he asked her if she wanted to go to see Stand by Me on Friday, she laughed in his face.
Then Dick met Annie Blackman. She was willowy, blonde, and she seemed very kind. They walked back and forth from the dorm to English 101 class Freshman year. She laughed at his jokes. They both hated Ulysses. But when he screwed up the courage to ask her for coffee, she said yes but never showed up. Dick became quite shy around women after that.
Things have never really changed. Dick is a better than average Scrabble player, but his wife cheats and she insists that “cormulake” is a word. She is so shrill about it, he caves. His neighbor rakes all of his leaves and shoves them across the property line into the Blunk’s yard. The barista at Starbucks gives Dick caffeinated coffee every single time he orders decaf. His son Luke never told him he had dropped out of college until the Blunks got the letter from the college telling them that their son was living in the fraternity house illegally. Dick missed a promotion at work because his assistant took all the credit for an innovative software solution that Dick actually created.
So it is no wonder that Dick opened a secret savings account in order to deposit the $1.2 million dollars he won in the Super Lotto. Nope. And Dick is looking at condos in Las Vegas. Secretly. Dick is about to make a fresh start.